PLASMODIUM DRACULUM: THE MIRACLE MICRO-ORGANISM THAT MAKES VAMPIRISM POSSIBLE

A hundred years ago, just about everyone believed that the “condition” of vampirism was the result of an age-old pact with the devil. You read that right! People really believed that Lucifer himself came down and made a deal with a man who wanted to live forever. He let himself be bitten by the old Serpent and – voila! – the first vampire was born. 

Thanks to the power of science winning out over the ignorance of superstition, we now know the truth about vampire origins. But just because the true story doesn’t have a lot of hocus pocus about demons and curses doesn’t mean it’s not magical and wonderful in its own way! And the real story even starts with another character you might remember from Genesis.

You ever heard of Mitochondrial Eve? No, not Adam’s wife, but the furthest female ancestor we can trace through our mitochondrial DNA? Well, it’s a similar story for the Vampire Eve, the great-grandmother many times over to all vampires living today. Unlike hemotypical humans, we can trace the equivalent of the “mtDNA” of modern vampire populations to a single mother. This woman is unknown to history, but scientists theorize that she was a survivor of a parasitic plague, whose body was able to vanquish the sickness not by killing its parasitic invaders but subsuming them into her cells in a symbiotic relationship.

However this first moment of endosymbiosis occurred, this “parasite” quickly shed this label by proving itself one of the most beneficial adaptations in the long and storied evolutionary history of the human race. Now affectionately known as plasmodium draculum after the vampire of legend, this micro-organism has demonstrated itself to be one of the most powerful of human organelles, pushing aside the mitochondria, the famous “powerhouse of the cell.” 

The draculum works like the mitochondria, manufacturing energy for the cell, only it works far more efficiently. Additionally, it acts as a facilitator for numerous other cellular functions, leading to marked improvements in cellular health across a broad range of metrics. What has attracted the most scientific interest (and generated the most popular speculation) is the surprising helping hand the draculum plays in mitotic division, the vital process by which our cells multiply and replace themselves. Specifically, scientists have found that draculum-assisted mitotic cycles can produce cells that are as strong or stronger than their mother cells.

What does that mean in layman’s terms? Longer lifespans. How much longer? There is still a great deal of debate over that question, but recent studies have indicated that vampires have life expectancies that exceed the American average by as much as 30%. Anecdotal evidence from Eastern Europe suggests that the gap may be even larger, but scientists urge caution in accepting such data: the legends that have always surrounded this peculiar people still cloud much of the information about them. But even so, such a profound impact on the most desired of all health outcomes makes the tiny draculum the closest thing to an actual “magic pill” the scientific community has ever encountered.

For an organism that does so much, the price it demands in return seems comparatively small. The one catch the draculum requires from its symbiotic hosts is a steady supply of hemoglobin, which is found primarily in red blood cells. The draculum is a remarkably picky eater as well, sensitive to even the slightest differences in amino acid sequences – without human hemoglobin it will cease function. Further, given the toxicity of hemoglobin to the human body when it escapes a cellular membrane, the only way the draculum can be safely fed is with living human blood.

Without a sufficient supply of living human red blood cells, the draculum will shift to alternate metabolic pathways, akin to the anaerobic respiration our cells resort to in the absence of oxygen, the byproducts of which are destructive to the body over a long enough time period. In times of prolonged deprivation, the draculum will even begin to feed on red blood cells of its own symbiotic host (a small amount of self-feeding is normal, causing the vampiric anemia that gives vampires their distinctive pale complexion).

Thus, the vampiric life does rest on a bargain, not between man and devil, but between symbiote and host. Across the pre-scientific ages of history, the necessity of feeding on human blood has subjected vampires to all sorts of wild accusations, even as the extraordinary health benefits they enjoyed inspired suspicion and envy. But now that science has shed its light on the matter, all of us can appreciate the vampires and their little friend the draculum as a testament to the progressive power of evolution, and a source of hope for the future of the human race.